We Find Ways to Remember Lest we Forget

Dr. Donna Mann

We are labeled as a death denying society. We tell ourselves that we shouldn't dwell on the loss of our loved ones. People say that remembering only dredges up past hurts. We convince ourselves not to admit that Grampa is dying. All too often, we keep busy, we begin new projects, we run out of time, we fill our lives with 'other' tasks, we avoid silence and we try to evade solitude. It's like we don't want to be alone with ourselves in case we begin to think.

At the time when society tells us to get on with life, to move forward, to get back to normal and let the past be forgotten, a natural part of us is longing to remember. We want someone to give us permission, to invi   us to remember - but we don't know how to make that happen. Regardless of what society tells us, we yearn for a connection, a memory, some hope and peace about past situations and people in our life. Deep within us we look endlessly for a place, a structure, an opportunity to express grief openly.

For some cultures, there are still obvious indications of grieving such as the tradition of wearing black. Grieving men wear black armbands as a visible grieving custom. People in certain countries put a wreath on the door. I have seen stationery with dark borders and watched people purchase cards with meaningful words about death. Some of us even remember the song "Letter edged in Black".

The Jewish tradition has the Wailing Wall where people pray, lament, cry and become quiet according to their needs. Women, the chief mourners among Native American tribes cry aloud. They wail so other people can acknowledge loss. The Christian Celebration of All Souls Day held in churches at the end of summer and the beginning of winter welcomes people to remember those who have died.

Remembrance Day offers us opportunity to remember those who have died in wars. Every year at the same hour, on the same day, we are called to remember. Lest we forget, we are invited to reflect on another time, to recall history, to walk, to tell stories, to sit across the table from somebody and listen.

We want to remember those who died at the World Trade Center as well as their families. We think too of the farmer on the next concession who suffered loss in a farm accident. We lay flowers in the ditch where a life has been claimed. We recall the mother whose baby was stillborn. We think often of the young woman with Cystic Fibrosis. We grieve with the young parents whose son died.

Throughout time people have found visible ways to remember in spite of other voices telling them to forget. They light candles, visit cemeteries, place flowers, bring out pictures, read old letters, wear a poppy.

Why does society tell us to be strong and move on - get back to normal when we are trying to find a variety of ways to reflect and to remember? Is it because memory connects us to painful situations that others think we may not want to remember? Yet, is it not in remembering that we find new meaning in life? Sometimes it doesn't make the memory any easier, but most times when we risk joining the past with the present; it brings a sense of reality, closure and peace of mind.